Today is the day. The day our lives forever changed. I woke up with words streaming through me like hot water, ready to spill out on to the page. What do I say? Who is my audience? How will they feel as they read this? Then it hits like a wave…maybe these words are for me. A day of rememberence and honor.
On this day, 5 years ago I lost my late husband, friend, partner in silly things, expert in all things technical and most importantly father to our son, Connor. It was approximately 8pm according to the autopsy report, however I as look back on this day I recall each moment that took place leading up to the tragic phone call.
Over the past 3 months I have writing my book proposal. The book will be about inner healing intertwined with my testimony of God’s love and faithfulness. As I sit typing today, I ponder how I can be so struck, yet again, as I have writing, processing, and mourning all over again for several months. Yet here is what I believe to be true…I will take you on a quick journey.
Take a deep breath in. Can you smell the air? Maybe like me you smell some coffee too, but take another whiff. If smells like November. There’s a coolness and dampness in the air. Not yet Winter and no longer Summer. Next, image your front lawn. If you live in Ohio or somewhere North, our leaves are almost completely off our trees. There is a crispness to the leaves as you walk across them. I can hear the leaves tumbling across the road and crunching under my tires. Lastly, feel your clothes. Again, if you are like me, I am in several layers of clothing this morning. There is a chill in the air even with the heat on, layers are a must.
I call these my environmental reminders. I can never change them or get away from them, and honestly I don’t desire to! I absolutely love Fall. However, when you have experienced great loss those simple reminders will bring a tidal wave of emotion. Simply recalling that November was here the other day brought me to my knees.
Some of you may kinda think twice about how I could be processing the loss of my late husband and yet be married again. And maybe I am assuming. And maybe I simply have the same question. Another truth I have found along this journey is that grief is not time limited. There are peaks and valleys, literally in our brain. As traumatic events happen we travel those peaks and valleys when memories (or as I described above-environmental reminders) happen. There are other clinical terms I will spare you of for now, however my radar in this area is always up especially when it comes to our son Connor because the simplest issue can quickly become a valley due to the way his brain is processing the memory of seeing his dad, face to face, not alive.
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
So today is the day. The day each member of our combined families lost someone dear to them. The day I lost my husband. The day Connor lost his dad. We will always remember Bill in our hearts and the impact he made during his brief time on Earth.
This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
So back to Today…
Today is also the day that the Lord made! I will rejoice and be glad in it! I will rejoice for my healing. I will rejoice for my marriage to Tim and the heart he has for our family. I will rejoice at our double blessings, Jeremiah and Micah. I will rejoice that God has us all in the palm of His Hands. I will rejoice that He has collected each of my tears and carried me through this journey. I will rejoice for our family and friends that have walked this journey with us.
Until we meet again Bill – We will keep on keeping on – Living, growing and loving